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| Ok I had this really weird dream last night.
It was set in early times and I was betrothed to a woman (I don't know), yes a woman and toward the end of the dream she asked the man next to me if he still loved me. During the dream, he loved me but now that I was betrothed, he denied it. He said he no longer loved me. But I still loved him. Then we had to reenact a play and he shouted to everyone that they needed to know the truth and he told me he loved me in front of everyone and kissed me.
I know this sounds really weird, but do you ever wake up from a dream and feel the emotion that you felt in the dream? I woke up this morning and I felt so completely at home and wanted and loved. Maybe even more so than when I'm awake. I have romance in my dreams and wake up feeling it more than when I'm awake. I am the biggest hopeless romantic in the world and my boyfriend is just not that way. That's not who he is. Is it ok to accept that this is the way it'll be for the rest of my life? I need the romance, I crave it...I'll probably hardly ever get some if ever...and thats upsetting. Do I live with it?
I can't change...I can't and won't change him
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| Is it that when we're feeling emotional we're thinking more clearly...or over thinking?
Ever wonder why women always want to get married more than men?
I know. I have the secret so here it is.
Women want to feel special. Women want to know that they have one man out there that will love her and only her. But for some people love isn't enough. I know you're thinking that love conquers all but for some it didn't. Does that mean that they never loved each other in the first place? Perhaps in some cases...but for most I don't think so. It's because it's those small things that make a woman feel special.
She wants to know that all of those kisses on the forehead, holding her when she's crying, rubbing the small of her back, consoling her, comforting her....that it's all for her and only her. And when she thinks it's not for just her...that's when she feels as though she's not good enough for you. That's all.
Especially if she watches more affections go to someone else in front of her.
She wonders if she can't have those little things for just her...will she eventually lose the big things too?
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| HI!
How's it going?
You ever have those moments where you realize that you know who you are?
I did today.
And I even thought about who I want to be later on...career wise anyway.
Kinda cool huh?
Well thanks for stopping by!
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| I have it so good. Why is it that when everything is going so well, you need something to go wrong? It feels like it's too good to be true and so something has to go wrong in order to keep it all balanced. Dance FX starts on Tuesday for me and I am so unbelievably excited. I'm excited to teach, I'm excited to choreograph, I'm excited to remember what dancing was like as a child...to smell the new costumes and to learn your dance and all of it.
I love all of my classes. None of my classes have tests...which is rough paper wise...but I work so much better with papers than I do with tests so that's great for me. I'm becoming a better dancer through my dance classes...I get to dance on stilts for UPD which is hilarious.
UPD is going great and it's exciting. Different performances are coming up and I know my mommy is stoked for me. I'm growing so much. I'm growing up...I have more responsibilities and the real world is getting closer. The thought of what I'll be doing for the rest of my life is coming closer and I hope that teaching is the start of a life long dream.
I'm becoming closer with even more of my friends. I'm not getting nervous as much. I'm making new friends. I'm on top of all my school work and my RA duties. I'm not procrastinating. Doug and I have an amazing relationship. Sometimes I drive him crazy...but I drive myself crazy too. It's past the lovey dovey stage and it's in the comfort stage and I absolutely love it. I'm in love with him and just the thought of spending the rest of my life with him gives me butterflies...good ones. I'm in love with being at the comfortable stage. Walking to class...thinking about something funny that happened the day before or the week before...and I'm laughing! That's a great picture...some girl walking down the sidewalk laughing to herself. But I mean...how wonderful is it that when I'm not even with him, I'm happier than I've ever been. It's weird sometimes because I'm no sure that this kind of happiness can last for so long you know? Somewhere, something has to happen to balance it all out right? I hope not. It's euphoric. I've never known how to be this happy for such a long period of time. I don't even have to speak to him...look at him...just think and dream and I turn into the girl I was when we first fell in love. And here's the great part...it's still new every day. Every day I find something else to love about him..about us. Of course we have our moments but everyone does. But they don't matter once they're done.
My dad and I talk. That hasn't happened since the age of 10 or so. We laugh...we make fun of mom. I love talking to my dad. I love getting along with him and talking to him about what's going on and having him care....not getting it at first...but then caring. My brother and I are extremely close and he's designing my tattoo for me. My mom has always been my best friend and she still is.
And I have all this going for me and I create bad situations in my head. I give myself something to worry about or create a situation that could go wrong. That's what's comfortable for me. To have something go wrong after everything's going right. I don't want to think that everything is going to come crashing down on me.
The house of cards is teetering and will someone help me when they fall?
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| ....I hate that part of who I am.............
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